This is the third in a three part series. The first two posts can be found by visiting familyroadtrip.travel.blog.
Commandment Number 8: Stop caring so much about what other people think. In public, I’d argue that we are generally embarrassed by the way that our family’s social miscues reflect upon us. But, I have to tell you, I think this is pretty poor prioritizing on our parts. We care more about what strangers in the store think about us than we care about guiding our kids through an outburst, into a more productive way of dealing with things, effectively elevating the stranger to a level of greater importance than our child. Why would you allow yourself to care more about even a friend’s perception of your parenting skills, than you care about helping your kids learn how not to be a total disaster? Parenting isn’t about showing off your little trophy human. It’s about this human being, whose existence is partially attributable to you – and to whom you owe it to guide into a well-equipped adult existence. So, save the energy that you’re wasting wondering if the others around you think you’re the perfect parent, and redirect that energy into actually being a better parent (note: I’m not saying that you aren’t already a good parent. I am saying that you’re not perfect. This whole “being a good human being” thing is complicated and hard and takes effort and work). On the other hand – You’ll be traveling to new places with new cultures. While I suggest that you not allow differing views to ruin your experience, I don’t think there’s any harm in attempting to be considerate and follow cultural norms… Don’t make the mistake of thinking that we all share one identity in this country… Cultural norms vary from one part of a state to the next and they vary wildly from region to region. Furthermore, there is immense value in teaching your kids how to see the world through someone else’s eyes. Talk to them about the general differences in the culture that you are visiting and work with them to understand how and why that culture exists.
Commandment Number 9: Be Flexible – Things do not always go as planned. This is ok, as long as you let it be ok. This needs to be a part of those adjusted and oft discussed family expectations.
Commandment Number 10: Perspective– So much of this is dependant on your ability to have some perspective. Are you super annoyed when your kids ask a million questions? Because, annoying as it can be, they are really just trying to see the world through your eyes. They are seeking answers – but, not just any answers. They’re looking to YOU for the answers; they want to see what you see. Instead of rushing back to your favorite song, or pressing play on their DVD player, maybe have a conversation with them. Do you think you’ll get super annoyed when they get older and answer all of your questions with one word answers? I wonder where they learned that? Let me ask you this: do you allow them to have their own opinions, even if those opinions contradict your opinions? How much do you enjoy conversations with people who refuse to allow you to maintain your own opinion, in the face of their contradictory point of view? Now, with that in mind, maybe it is worth reevaluating how you handle differences of opinion with your kids. Pre-teens desperately want your attention and approval, and, teens have 10 times as many hormones coursing through their bodies as an adult – yet, we adults expect grace when dad is hangry or mom is PMSing. No wonder our kids react like a bodybuilder with roid rage! We have a minor swing in hormones and it rocks our world. They’re going through a near constant seismic hormonal shift. Have some perspective on where your kids are coming from and where your family is headed and the road trip, along with your future relationships, will directly benefit.
Bonus – The most valuable social and behavioral psychology principles (called Heuristics), are those that point out something that is so painfully obvious, you wonder how you never saw it before… This is one of those: In our culture, we overvalue the end of things… if the last bit of eggs that we ate had a shell in it, it doesn’t matter how good all the bites before it were, we just remember the shell. Perhaps, a better example, is Darth Vader. Like every other redeemed movie villain, Vader was a terrible guy. He tortured Hon Solo, he destroyed an entire planet and murdered all of its inhabitants, and he was prone to intense fits of rage, yet… most of us choked back a tear when he died. Why? because he redeemed himself… from a lifetime of murderous rampaging, with one decent act. It isn’t even an amazing act. He just stops his kid from continuing to be tortured. For this, in our minds, we absolve him of his evils. So, when he dies, we cry. When he shows up at the after-party, the only thing more ridiculous than all the little teddy bear people, is the fact that we are pleased to see Vader with Yoda and Obi-Wan, the latter of which Vader had previously murdered. Again, we overvalue the end of a thing and we discount everything that led up to that point. SO, for the sake of your vacation – don’t run tight on the money at the end of the trip and say no to everything for the last few days. Don’t make the trip so long that everyone hates each other because you hadn’t spoken a meaningful word to one another for the entire month preceding the trip and weren’t used to family time… and maybe, save something big, and fun, for the end. Also, if you’ve been doing a crappy job of this whole family thing – don’t give up hope. You can wipe out a whole bunch of that, by what you do now. Make now the “end” of taking this short time in your life with these particular people for granted.
Family Road Trip 