This is the second in a three part series. The first post can be found here.
Commandment Number 4: Start NOW – Expecting massive change to occur in an instant is irrational, and will lead to a predictably epic disaster. If everyone is used to disappearing into their own tech devices (complete with headphones), don’t expect them to just happily unplug for the trip without an adjustment period – and expect to have some part of the trip spent with headphones on… this isn’t all or nothing, here. But, the point is, you need to start as soon as possible. Go for a short walk with your kid a few times a week. If work prohibits that, then phone calls where the topic is, “what’s new with you?” It might not come naturally at first, and you might face some rejection. I think you can handle it. Like everything, it will come with practice.
Commandment Number 5: It’s not the destination… it’s the journey – You all spend so much time apart. This is a chance to see the country together, make memories, have wide ranging conversations, and enjoy building a deeper relationship with your family. It won’t be perfect. There will be fights. It’s all just a part of the journey (literally and figuratively). My family had fairly minimal interest in New Orleans. It was really just a cool historic place, in a state that we hadn’t yet visited, that I literally picked because it was far away. It wasn’t about New Orleans… It was about the drive. So, you can either treat the road trip like a cross country race to a destination, or you can treat the ride itself like a part of the trip to be embraced and enjoyed. We don’t have to race through things that we enjoy – in fact, when we race through things that we enjoy we are acting against our own interest. Slow down. Be in the moment. Enjoy your family.
Commandment Number 6: STOP when someone has to pee! It’s awesome that you have a fully matured brain! Congrats! The thing is, your kids don’t. They lack the capacity and life experience to think far enough ahead to be able to avoid causing unexpected bathroom stops… Is it going to cost you some “time?” Yeah. Is it worth it? Yes. If you don’t stop to let family members pee, and you aren’t sure if it’s worth it, ask your family if they enjoy road trips with you. Ask them how it makes them feel when you refuse to stop. Their answer, alone, should be enough to cause you to make this very basic change. What does stopping cost you? A few minutes of additional travel time? What did you get out of that “lost” time? You got the chance to prove to your family that their comfort means more to you than a minor inconvenience. Seems like a great trade off to me.
Commandment Number 7: Respond, don’t react– On the same line as the above, you ought to ask yourself why you get frustrated when your kid acts a certain way. When it happens in private, it is generally a “respect issue.” We feel disrespected… We all ought to respect one another. However, if you act out of humility, you can respond thoughtfully, and say, “do I treat you that way? If, and when, I do, please tell me, so that I can apologize to you… Because, I love and respect you too much to treat you the way that you just treated me,” or, you can ignore the outburst and calmly get to the underlying issue (making a mental note to calmly deal with the outburst later). If you act out of pride (ie, who do you think you are talking to me that way, you little…), then, you are simply reacting emotionally. By the way, reacting emotionally is exactly what you just got upset with your kid for doing to you. It is just good parenting to teach our kids to have emotionally controlled responses. However, it’s the height of hypocrisy to expect our kids to exert a level of self control that we have neither mastered, nor demonstrated. And losing control of yourself and yelling at your kid for losing control of themselves and having an attitude with you is a prime example of that hypocrisy. While your words say one thing, the meaning of those words drowns in the actions that you’ve modeled and the frustration that you stoked. It’s a pretty foolish, and ill-conceived, approach. The kid isn’t going to learn anything and they’ll likely just feel defensive and shut you out. Of course, you aren’t perfect either, so, you will inevitably engage in this very sort of hypocrisy, and, on countless occasions. So, what do you do after you realized that you blew it? Easy. Go back to step one. You humble yourself and apologize. Now, you’re taking your failure, and turning it into a chance to model a good example. Also, don’t forget: you’re apologizing for losing your temper – not for the underlying correction. Your kid shouldn’t have had an attitude. It isn’t the correction that is the error; it’s the manner in which you gave the correction. It is also worth asking yourself whether what you asked of your kid was reasonable. It very well may have been, but, sometimes, it wasn’t reasonable… and then, you have a second apology to give.
Family Road Trip 