My wife and I have taken our kids to some crazy places. As I write this, my boys are 12, and my daughter is 9, but, they have already seen and done some amazing things. They’ve kayaked on lakes, down rivers, and on the Pacific Ocean. They’ve hiked mountain trails at elevations of over 7,000 feet, along roaring rivers. They’ve explored caves in the wilds of Missouri. They’ve conquered the amazing Labyrinth rock scramble – including the famous lemon squeeze (where you’re the lemon!) at the Mohonk Mountain Preserve. They’ve rappelled down cliffs in West Virginia, and down Canyons in Utah. They’ve even gone (indoor) skydiving (which for my money, might have been the most terrifying thing we’ve done, but, I digress)!
You might think that we are the ultimate daredevils, without a shred of fear, who throw caution to the wind. You’d be wrong though. Only one of the five of us are not afraid of heights and none of us throw caution to the wind. So, why do we do all of this crazy stuff?
The first time that my daughter went to rappel off of a 92 foot cliff, she almost started crying. I wanted to save her. I wanted to fix it for her and to take away the fear, and, if she was a lot of kids, I would’ve had that power. Not so much with my daughter, though. The only thing that my daughter is more afraid of than the sheer cliff of adversity that stands in her way, is quitting because she’s afraid. She also knows that her parents would never jeopardize her safety. She also knows that she has our full support if she decides that she doesn’t want to go – which makes it her choice. Be brave enough to have the adventure that her heart desires, or, give into the panic. I’ve almost never seen her give into the panic. On those few occasions that she has, she is defiantly insistent that she go back and overcome those fears. I once spent 15 minutes telling her that she didn’t have to climb a rock wall, while she cried and refused to come down. She was afraid to climb the wall – afraid to try to climb it and fail, and too defiant to give in to her own fears. It crippled her for a few minutes. Then, she just found some source of energy and bolted to the top of the wall. When we talk about things that scare her in life, or in adventuring, she used to talk about how she would “think about rappelling,” and be encouraged by overcoming that sense of panic. With every adventure, she adds to the list of things that she was afraid of that she overcame. Only now, she doesn’t cry when she gets scared. There is little sense that the fear of those obstacles holds any sway over her. She knows what SHE can do. She knows that we prepare, and plan, and use great caution. She knows that I research our adventures extensively, and that there are common hikes that I refuse to take our family on, because, my research tells me that they aren’t safe enough for our family, based on age or ability, and that we don’t follow the crowd any more than we indulge our inner panic.
While friends and family might be surprised to imagine our daughter’s inner grit, we aren’t. We aren’t surprised, because we know each other. Each one of these experiences have taught us about ourselves, and about each other in such a way that, we are all keenly aware of our respective strengths and weaknesses. For example, it is well known that my daughter has a sweet tooth and is prone to nasty sugar crashes. My one son – the one who isn’t afraid of heights… or anything, really, except for Gila Monsters. I’m not even kidding. Fortunately, we’ve spent a lot of time talking about irrational fears, over the years, and he is aware that this is precisely what his Gila Monster fear represents – an irrational fear. Anyway, since he was 10 years old, he has always carried a secret stash of sugar for his sister, which he produces at the moment when it seems all hope for avoiding the mid hike sugar crash has evaporated. He also carries his own share of fears on our expeditions, they just aren’t focused on his safety. They‘re focused on all of ours’. He’s like a sheep dog, sometimes, rounding us all up, and back to safety. His brother, meanwhile, is always focused on making sure that all reasonable efforts are being to avoid the stress that comes along with the frivolous spending that occurs when he and his siblings start asking for “things.” His fear of heights is the most intense, as is his drive to overcome his fear. He has been the driving factor on multiple height related adventures. Our adventures have taught us all to look out for each other in very real and tangible ways, and, we count on each other.
These adventures also give us the chance to show our kids that we aren’t super heroes. I don’t hide the fact that I am afraid of heights from my kids. They don’t need to envision me as being fearless – they need a human model for how to deal with being imperfect, because that’s what they are, as human beings. When we went to Sequoia National Forest and saw the otherworldly size of the trees, we were awestruck. We had seen pictures, and read about them in books, but, seeing it with our own eyes, made it real. In the same way, I can tell them that it is ok to fail, but, it doesn’t mean very much if they think that I’m superman, and that I’ve never failed in any meaningful way. The only way they will really understand is if they see the real me, engaging in real life successes and failures and then see how I respond to them. Most of these examples will come from everyday life, but, how they play out on the side of a cliff, or, in a kayak in the Pacific Ocean, somehow seem a little bit more tangible. It’s not an unspoken thing, either. I apologize to them, often, for being cranky with them, or for getting sucked into my phone, or for whatever I am doing that I would not want someone that I cared about to do to me. I try to own my faults, mistakes, and poor decisions – because that is what I want them to do in their own lives when they grow up.
One last thought: Remember when I was watching as my daughter struggled not to cry, as she fought to overcome her fears? I said, that I wanted to fix it for her – that I wanted to save her and to take away her fear. There is an ancient proverb – “prepare the child for the road; not the road for the child.” When you prepare the road for your kids, you flatten out the obstacles and the adversity for them. Usually, because you don’t want them to experience hurt or fear. But, that only leaves you with two options. You either try to go ahead of them, for their entire life, fighting all of their battles for them, and depriving them of the chance to discover the strength that is inside of themselves, or, you abandon them at some point, expecting them to suddenly know how to cope with all of the obstacles that you’ve spent their entire lives knocking down on their behalf. Meanwhile, the obstacles have gotten bigger – that’s what happens in life and math. The problems get more complicated as you get older. Neither of these options are fair to your kids. Now, preparing the child for the road doesn’t mean throwing them to the wolves, not even after you’ve given them a crash course on wolf survival skills. It means walking alongside them, and helping them figure out how to navigate life. When we are rappelling, I can’t pull any puppet strings and make my kids hands and feet perform the movements that they are supposed to perform to have proper technique – and you can be damn sure that, in that moment, the LAST thing they need, is to hear me start yelling in anger, or panic, if their not doing it right. They need to hear my voice, guiding them, encouraging them, and reassuring them – you’ve got this. Keep going. Good work! Great try! You have a hand hold you don’t see on the right. Nicely done! It’s the same calm voice that they’ll need to hear when they are going through a breakup, deciding which paths to take in life, or when they made a stupid decision. It is practice for parent and child. It is a real world setting that proves to both of you that, “I can’t do it for you; but, I’m in your corner, and I’ll be with you to help you figure this out, as long as I have breath in my lungs.” Go find your adventure!
Family Road Trip 