After coming across this story, about a 13 year old boy who stabbed his 15 year old brother in the arm with a pocket knife (three times!!!), during a family road trip, I decided to flesh out what I mean when I say that it’s important to set, and adjust, expectations before you hit the road.
Obviously, when you’re 13, and you tell the cops that you’d rather go to jail than spend eight hours riding in the car with your 15 year old brother, you’re going to require more than a family meeting to tighten up that loose screw that you have. For the rest of us, the family meeting will probably get the job done. Sidenote: I’d bet dollars to donuts that the stabby family doesn’t stop when one kid has to pee. Stop when people need to pee. Seriously, it takes fifteen minutes. The trip isn’t something to be rushed through – it’s something to be enjoyed and appreciated. STOP TO PEE.
Cool story bro – but, what exactly am I supposed to say in this “meeting?”
Good question! Let’s start with what you plan on doing, and what you do not plan on doing. There are some details that you are going to want to, “get out ahead of,” so to speak. For instance, if you’re going to Orlando, and you don’t plan on going to Disney/Universal, you’re going to want to let everyone know well in advance. Also, if you’re not going just because someone in your group isn’t fun enough to be able to enjoy that kind of experience with their family, perhaps, leave that person on the side of the road at the hotel pool, and let everyone else have a good time. If it’s a money thing, then you definitely need to let everyone know, because, if the money isn’t there, and there is no changing the situation, then everyone needs to find a way to understand that. Time, I find, is the best way for me to wrap my brain around disappointment.
Also, if you start having the conversation about what everyone actually wants to do, you might find that the big thing that you’ve been stressing over isn’t even on anyone’s list. I don’t know about you, but, I hate it when someone gives me a “gift,” or does me a “favor,” that I didn’t want in the first place – because they never bothered to ask me. They just assumed that I’d love a pet snake, or monthly vegan, gluten free, dessert club membership. The only thing I love more than that is when their unsolicited, undesired, “gift” ends up costing ME time and money. So, before you go making plans for what you perceive to be everyone’s favorite activity, make sure that they actually want to do that activity.
Awesome! That was easy… phew – I really thought that there was going to be more. There’s more, isn’t there?
Sorry, friend. There’s more. This whole setting expectations thing is a time for you to talk about what you all expect from each other – for instance, you might clarify, for the record, that you’d expect them to not stab one another in the arm, at a minimum. More likely, you’ll expect more out of them than the “no stabbings” rule, and this is the time to talk about it. It’s also a good time to check your own attitudes and expectations for yourself.
I like to start out with, everyone is annoying, including me. So, try not to be surprised when one of us annoys you, and try to identify your own annoying behavior before everyone else is identifying it for you. Also, if everyone knows that everyone is annoying, including themselves, it makes it a little easier to have grace on one another. I also recommend standing in front of the mirror and practicing saying a few phrases: “I’m sorry,” and “I didn’t know that,” and “You were right, I was wrong.” Not because you’re always wrong, but, because those phrases don’t seem to come quite so easily when we have to say them to our kids. That’s pretty ironic, because they tend to mirror our behavior far more often than they practice what we preach but don’t, umm… isn’t that a great reason for us to practice, instead of preaching? Given the nature of modern society, family road trips are the most extended, uninterrupted time that you will spend with your family, in your entire life. Make it count. Model the behavior that you want to see them grow into.
No one should expect anyone in your family to be perfect. Even Jesus didn’t expect anyone to be perfect, and you are definitely no Jesus. It shouldn’t be about getting everyone to act how you want them to act on a road trip. Instead, this is an opportunity to get to work on some real-life interpersonal skills, while at the same time getting to make awesome family memories. The reality is, these are all the same conversations that we should be having with our kids (and with ourselves) on an almost weekly basis. The road trip isn’t a low budget vacation. It’s so much more than any prepackaged theme park trip. The road trip is an intense microcosm of life. It’s a multi-day experience that is jam-packed with memories, good times, bonding, laughter, arguments, highs, and a few lows, that you will all share with each other, and that you will remember for the rest of your lives. It will come up at birthday parties and graduations; at weddings and funerals. Make it count!
Family Road Trip 